Saturday, May 31, 2008

Here we go again.

Yet another copy/paste. I substituted the original answers with my own. This could be considered a follow-up to the last post, if you want to see it that way.

Note: This is supposed to be humorous.

1. Is that your natural hair color?
Of course!

2. Where was your default pic taken?
Hmmm... depends which one. Probably the desert.

3. What's your middle name?
Not telling you. I don't trust the Internet.

4. Your current relationship status?
None.

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
How in the heck would I know? I'm no lie detector.

6. What is your current mood?
Procrastinatory?

7.What color underwear are you wearing?
I'll kick your shins if you ask that again.

8.What is one thing that makes you happy?
Pulling the trigger of a gun, feeling the hammer fall, seeing a neat little hole show up right where I wanted it.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would it be?
Not be as big of a jerk.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be?
Bird of some sort.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Of course. They usually involve water.

13. Something you do a lot?
Imagine! Then curse myself for imagining stupid stuff.

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Hehe.

15. who did you copy and paste this from?
That identity will not be revealed, for the protection of the innocent.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Oh, loads. But I'm not telling, because it IS the Internet.

17. When was the last time you cried?
Oh, years and years ago.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yup! Loved every minute of it, too.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Invisibility would be super handy, but flying might be fun. Or I could do the whole human mercury thing like on Alex Mack.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hair color... I have terrible vision, it's about all I can really see without looking super close.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I just stand around all surly-like when I get taken there. Freakin' hippie joint.

22. What’s your biggest secret?
Not telling. What's your problem, man?

23. What's your favorite color?
Well, I have different favorite colors for different things. Like for t-shirt fabric, I prefer charcoal gray. Or charcoal grey. Hoohoo, gettin' fancy.

24. When was the last time you lied?
Oh man, not today. That's for sure.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Occasionally. I tend to only do it if I remember it from my own "kiddyhood."

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nuthin'.

28. Do you speak any other language?
The language of love. Just kidding... French is my specialty, but I can do a little Spanish and German as the need arises.

29. What's your favorite smell?
Gasoline... or maybe that old smell that I hardly ever smell. The one from skool.

30. If you could describe life in one word what would it be?
Fun!

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Yesterday morning.

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
What in the heck is it with kissing in the rain? (Seriously folks, I'm not making this up.) And no. Never kissed in the rain.

33. What are you thinking about right now?
My feet.

34. What should you be doing?
French... maybe a bit of reading. I'm sweaty from mowing the lawn, so I need to take a shower too.

35. What was the last thing that made you upset?
Dunno really. Depends on the exact meaning of the word "is."

36. How often do you pray?
Practically every ten minutes, if that rarely. Seriously.

37. Do you like working in the yard?
Sometimes.

39. Name 5 things in your closet.
Computer equipment, rocket engines, hats, poster collection, stash of old Popular Mechanics.

40. Do you act different around your crush?
People tell me I do, but I can't tell.


Strange what floats around the web these days.

And people, don't go just telling me how my answers are wrong. They are right because these are supposed to be answered how they apply to me, not anyone else.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Internet said so, Your Honor!

I found this on the ever-truthful intarwebs. Keep in mind it's a really crappy translation from German (really it's just English from a German who isn't fluent in English):

28 WAYS TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE.
[1] tell her she is BEAUTIFUL. not hott or fine.
[2] hold her hand at ANY moment even if it is just for a second.
[3] KISS her on the forehead
[4] leave her voice messages to wake up to.
[5] ALWAYS tell her you love her at any & and all times.
[6] when she is upset, hold her tight & tell her how much she means to u
[7] recognize the small thingsz ..they usually mean the most.
[8] call her BABE.
[9] SING to her no matter how horrible your voice is
[10] pick her over all the OTHER girls you hang out with
[11] write her NOTES. (she loves them)
[12] introduce her to family & friends as your girlfriend
[13] play with her hair.
[14] pick her up, tickle her, & PLAY WRESTLE with her.
[15] sit in the park & just TALK to her.
[16] tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her JOKES
[17] throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because u missed her.
[18] let her fall asleep in your arms
[19] CARVE YOUR NAMES INTO TREE.
[20] if she`s mad. KiSS her
[21] give her piggyback rides
[22] bring her ROSES just because
[23] treat her the same around your friends as you do when you`re alone
[24] look her in the eyes & SMILE
[25] let her take as many pictures as she wants
[26] SLOW DANCE with her, even if there isn't any music playin
[27] KISS HER IN THE RAIN.
[28] if you`re in love with her.. Tell her

Honestly, I don't know that these are the best ideas. How many girls do I know that like being wrestled with? I just can't see that being a common scenario. That's what the "domestic disturbance" calls on Cops really are. And kissing in the rain? How is that different from regular kissing, except that it looks better in movies? And the "as many pictures as she wants" thing. Most girls I know hate having their pictures taken by guys, but it might be a one-way street there. And the whole "Babe" thing. That seems a little demeaning and embarrassing. My clients (I'm talking about insurance fraud scams when I was like 8, not prostitution) always used to hate it when I called them that.

Now some of the other ones make a bit more sense. The slow-dancing, I hear that works pretty well. The smiling... well, you can't have anything but smiling. Talking to her in the park and telling her jokes... yes. Those are the ones I would bet most heavily on. Oh yeah, and telling her you love her. That seems like it would be really obvious, but for some reason it isn't. Stupid world.

Hmmm... seems like throwing pebbles at a window would get you arrested.

So the lesson today is: The internet is either always wrong or it's usually mixed between wrong and right but always very misleading. I think I'll go with the second option. In the above example, there were truths and falsehoods. But if you weren't careful, you might accidentally think it was all right and do something stupid (like beat up your girlfriend thinking that she'll get that you're just "play wrestling").

On the internet, you have to keep your eyes and ears open so that you don't fall into a stupid trap and buy a whole case of Enzyte or download a million virii (look, I know the rest of you call them viruses, but I'm not the rest of you. And I can ignore spellcheck.). Think, man! Don't just act like a robot! Don't just believe what you're told!

Wikipedia FTW!

(btw this is one of the fastest posts I've ever written.)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Balalaika! Balaclava! Meryl Silverburgh!

I'm listening to "Wind of Change" by Scorpions right now. If you don't know, it's about the fall of the Iron Curtain, and it's a song that would make me cry if I were physically able to cry.

It's such a touching song. So full of hope. So full of the joy of liberty and unity. So full of love for mankind.

It's the song that we should all sing.

Dr. Hal Emmerich was a great man. Sure he slept with his step-mom while his dad was drowning in a swimming pool. Sure he abandoned his step-sister. Sure he designed a nuclear death machine. But he still cared for mankind. A world full of Dr. Emmerichs would be a great thing.

Hm. Whatever happened to the hope? The happiness? The dignity through wrath?

Maybe it's still there. Maybe we just aren't looking hard enough. Maybe you can only see something like that in the rearview mirror.

How about we try to bring that back? How would we?

Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say.

Maybe I only say crap like this because I'm an educated white upper-class Protestant male.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to make you guys think.

Pennin Manathai Thottu?

So last night I was sitting around bored, and I decide to look through my old bookmarks folder. Now I prefer direct URL entry to bookmarks, but I still have some.

One of the bookmarks I found was labeled "Why I eat at Bombay House." I like Indian food. I still remember the first time I had it. I was a little under the weather stomachwise to start with, but when I stayed at the hotel the next day rather than go out with the family, I still heated up some lamb curry and tandoori bread in the microwave. That was a day to remember.

Anyhow so in India they have really elaborate music videos. Even more elaborate are the movies. Full of huge song-and dance numbers, sort of like West Side Story or Hairspray or whatever (pick your poison). Thing is the song-and-dance numbers are much funnier to Western audiences. A freind of mine very accurately described it once as a whole village of Micheal Jacksons.

Anyhow here's the video.

VIDEO ON YOUTUBE!

Look at some of the other videos from India too.

Monday, May 26, 2008

It's a cart, not a buggy.

Shopping is so much more fun with men than with women. No offense, but I really prefer to do it with representatives of my own gender.

Situation: Bass Pro Shop. Little bro playing hunting video game. Big bro looking at MASSIVE BUCKS XV and WHITETAILS GONE WILD IX DVDs. (Don't ask me why people actually watch those.)

Mom: Hey! Stop touching stuff! Only look at something if you're going to buy it! Come on, we need to try on socks.

Dad: Hey, the XBox still works, right? OK, put it in the cart. You can be Trophy Hunters when we get home. Let's go look at anchors.

Situation: Kroger, creamed corn aisle. Little bro sitting on the cart, big bro juggling boxes of noodles.

Mom: OK, run back and get me six boxes of unbleached wheat germ and a can of tofu.

Dad: Goes to find the Twinkies while the brothers stage a coffee bean fight. Mmm, hazelnut.

Situation: Gas station. Little bro trying to figure out what condoms are, big bro playing with lighters.

Mom: HEY! We're leaving!

Dad: Tells Trojan Man joke and buys a lighter.

Really. Shopping is so much more fun with a guy who understands you. A guy who doesn't make you try on the underwear before you buy them. A guy who joins in on the ridicule of your little brother. A guy who wants you to eat nothing but pizza, hotdogs, A1 steak sauce, and ice cream for a week.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Huh, vinyl is extra twangy.

I have a subscription to Scientific American, and I finally got a new issue in the mail today (yay for free time to read a very wordy magazine about evolution and global warming). One of the articles was interesting.

It was about healthful effects of blogging. I had never thought much about healthful effects of blogging, but the stuff it said made a bunch of sense. Plus the pictures made it so I didn't have to read as much.

Let's see if I can find a link to the article...

Crap, no. Anyway, blogging cures AIDS, triggers dopamine release, boosts limbic system response.

FIN.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I floated lonely as the night!

Today, I was a stand-up comedian.

To me, there's no higher goal than humor. I mean, it's been around since Creation. If God can make asses talk, it can't be all that bad to be funny.

Now when I say funny, I mean funny. Not gimmick funny, more like things that can only be said once. Things like YOU JUST WANT THE BALL SO BAD. Things like MORE GAMES!

I don't like a lot of the crap that's on television these days. I hate all the poop jokes. I hate the sacrilege. I hate Family Guy. I'm not a big fan of the dudes they have on Comedy Central, read: Carlos Mencia and that fat dude that I saw on the TV in that greasy motel room.

I like jokes that make you think. I'm not talking jokes about politicians (even though that Bruce Tinsley guy is hecka funny). I'm talking jokes that are extensions of the universal human spirit (Jim Casy anyone?), jokes that reveal something basic, jokes that draw our attention towards ourselves. Make us see ourselves for what we really are, and really can be.

Jokes that make you smile.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Everyone else does it.

(Before we get started, these weird titles are starting to confuse even me.)

I think I've done well this year.

I certainly did better than last year. I was way happier. I worked a lot less and got way better results.

At the beginning of the year, there's always people who tell you to write down your goals. I always find that mine are strange. It's always keep up the good work. Never do something better. Never do something new. It's just survive. Not that it hasn't worked well for me. I can certainly say that I've gotten way more mileage than anybody has a right to out of goals like that.

I was at a party this afternoon. I was doing the usual, telling all my funniest stories about how I got emphysema from consuming enough cigarette smoke in one hour to be the equivalent of smoking two packs a day for the rest of my shortened life. Anyhow, there was a shim serving pizza, and we got to making fun of it. Somehow that led us to compare wallets. I was having fun with the fortune cookie slip "Confucius say: lovers in triangle not on square," and I found a folded up index card.

GOALS 2007-08

Finish reading Old Testament (not done, I just read Isaiah a million times)
Finish learning German (not enough time)
Do good in skool (one of those aforementioned null goals)
Get a 5 on the APUSH exam (I dunno what I got, but I think I did good)
Not go on strike (done!)
Build/buy a three-stage coil gun with integrated laser sight (nope)

That's what I wanted to accomplish in the last 10 months. That's a load of bilge.

I did get a lot more done than that. I lived a full life. I took risks. I didn't get eaten by a Chips Ahoy! cookie. I fixed my computers like a million times. I traveled the world. I told awesome jokes. I made new freinds. I still refuse to spell freinds properly though. I suffered through all sorts of weird weather. I mowed the lawn after sundown. I fished. I hunted. I walked. I walked loads. I smiled! even though my teeth need to be flossed.

Hm. I'll go floss my teeth then.

Hey, ten minutes at a time, kid.


Edit: Since it's quite fashionable this season, anonymous posting is now available here too!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

That breeze feels good; thank goodness for windows.

Check out this rock I found!

Today I had nothing to do. SO I cleaned my room. Then I skateboarded. Then I rode my bike. Then I went outside and walked around in a fieldish sort of area.

I started throwing large rocks into the pond from the top of a culvert. I was bored out of my skull and I wanted to go swimming, but I didn't want to go swimming enough to risk my life with the cottonmouths.

Well, I was throwing rocks into the pond (most of you chumps would call it a lake, but I knew this Lithuanian dude once and he would have called a pond, so it's a pond) in any case. In utter desperation, I sat down on the culvert hoping to see a neon knight or something else that could entertain me.

I started smushing ants with my thumb, and picking the ticks off of my arm. I looked down, and behold! there was a thing that could entertain me. I believe it's a chunk of variscite, but my mineral knowledge is a little rusty.

I need to go on a rock hunt soon. I might do that the next time I'm in the desert. Hopefully, I'll find the Ark of the Covenant.





By the way, I hate the image support in Blogger. It always resizes my images. I know how to hack around it, but then the images wouldn't fit. Sorry guys.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I liked it more when it was just Fridays.

I wrote a poem once about my favorite video game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory. It was OK. I wrote about hackers and cheaters and people who swear on clean-language servers.

I never really felt good about it. I don't have a lot of confidence in my writing abilities. Funny that it was the same year that I got selected to go to Alfred is a good shot with a crossbow to that fancy-pantsy writing contest. Nooo, Dracula, don't! Yes! I knew he'd have something up his sleeve!

Anyhow so I went to the contest and hated every minute of it. I hated all the darned waiting Yes Batman won! Crap, the Penguin is still around! I figure about the only good thing I got out of it was a Far Side desk calendar (I do love the cartoons) and this blog post.

If anyone's wondering what all the interjections are, I'm watching The Batman vs. Dracula on TB. Haha, tuberculosis. I mean television. It's one of my favorite shows.

Anyway what I'm wanting to say most is I've been at this a while, and I'm still sort of wondering how and where and when it'll pay out. Maybe I'll be a god of thunder in a rockroll band. Maybe I'll be an office jockey. Maybe I'll be an actor (I might actually be able to do that, I'll have to remember that). Maybe I'll be a sweaty obese guy behind a counter making Reuben sandwiches for even more obese and sweaty tourists in Boston.

I sure hope it's cool in the end.

I think I might go work on that first one. It's a lot of work I'm going to have to do to go from musical mortal to Thor or Odin or Loki or Twi. Preferably Thor. He's my namesake.

I claimed the title of King of Scotland the other day. Turns out all one needs to be king is big words and a claim to fame; turns out I have both. Turns out it's good to be king. I can't wait to go conquer somebody, and have my likeness used in lousy, noisy local-TV car dealership ads.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I think that's disgusting.

She took the cup. I can't believe she took the cup.

OK, so here's the lowdown. I'm rooting around in all the castoff junk from the graduates (hey, a dollar!), and I find a stainless steel coffee travel mug thing. Now, I don't drink coffee, but I kept it anyhow because I figured it would come in handy. One kid even challenged me to build a bomb with it.

So, I took it to homeroom and opened it with two of my close friends watching. It obviously hadn't been cleaned in several months. The outside of the lid had coffee residue all over it. The inside had what looked like pencil shavings floating in thinned-out maple syrup at the bottom, with some sort of pancake or mushroom or something stuck near the top.

Today I decided to give away some of my junk. I put two airline barf bags, two microwave popcorn thingies, a case of black-market cocoa, some other black-market food, the coffee cup, and a sign labeled "FREE STUFF" on top of my locker this morning.

By lunchtime it was all gone.

I tried to find out who took it (one person said she was going to take the cocoa if it was left at the end of the day, but someone else got it first; I found the still - full box on top of my locker later, apparently replaced by the one who took it; an hour later, and it was gone again. I wonder if that same girl did get it in the end), but to no avail.

At the end of the day, I walked into that one classroom. I saw the cup! She had taken it. I'm going to laugh at her secretly for the next two years or so.

If you can guess who it was that took the mug you win the contest.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I knew a kid named Fred who ate glue.

It's amazing how a little scribble next to a signature can brighten a guy's life for a few days.

It's amazing how putting that scribble in parentheses multiplies the effect tenfold.

It's amazing how moving my pick up against the strings instead of down makes the song I'm playing sound cheerier.

It's those little drops of rain. Except there's not really any pain to whisper about.

Kind of funny how I always thought the lyrics were different. It crushes my dreams. Knowing the truth changes everything.

I bet I just confused you. I bet you misunderstood that. Not your fault, it's only natural.

It reminds me of the time I said "mes cheveux... elles sont tres belles" to see if I could confuse people into thinking I was talking about the girl in the corner instead of my hair. It really should have been "mes cheveux... ils sont tres beaux."

Some things aren't meant to be said. "Things too silly to be said are sung," said Voltaire.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wasted Years

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas,
I'm travelling on, far and wide,
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself,
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else.

I close my eyes, and think of home,
Another city goes by, in the night,
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up...make your stand,
And realize you're living in the golden years.

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind,
Can't ease this pain, so easily,
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day,
And it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up...make your stand,
And realize you're living in the golden years.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Journalism? Isn't that supposed to be for sissies? I watch too much Fox News.

Well, I accepted the invitation today.

For years Mom's been trying to get me to do the newspaper or yearbook. I guess it's because of all the underground papers I've tried to run. She thinks I'll be good at it.

So I always got a form and filled it out halfway before summarily forgetting it.

Today a friend asked if I would join, as they're going to lose a member. I figured "what the heck it won't hurt to write a sample, I've got enough time." So it looks like I'm going to fill out an application.

I figure all of my bloggerific experience should help some.

I feel bad for not applying to those jobs at TechRepublic and Hack_a_day.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Whee! German man two feet in front of me!

I was watching concert videos on YouTube to get some pointers on what I might want to do for the talent show next year, and I watched Still Loving You by Scorpions.

Right about four minutes into the song, there was a shot of some grandma with a stagefront ticket. You should have seen the way she nodded. In fact, you can.

Picture of grandma


YouTube video

Jahaa! v57

It's all good. I totally got away with wrecking the truck! I didn't have to pay for it, and I got a free shirt. Nobody's mad at me, and I still get to have an awesome party (as of now).

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Darn.

I ran into the dumpster today. It sucks. I smashed the headlight on the right side. No fun. No idea whether insurance will pay for this (no matter what, rates will go up).