Friday, May 30, 2008

The Internet said so, Your Honor!

I found this on the ever-truthful intarwebs. Keep in mind it's a really crappy translation from German (really it's just English from a German who isn't fluent in English):

28 WAYS TO MAKE A GIRL SMILE.
[1] tell her she is BEAUTIFUL. not hott or fine.
[2] hold her hand at ANY moment even if it is just for a second.
[3] KISS her on the forehead
[4] leave her voice messages to wake up to.
[5] ALWAYS tell her you love her at any & and all times.
[6] when she is upset, hold her tight & tell her how much she means to u
[7] recognize the small thingsz ..they usually mean the most.
[8] call her BABE.
[9] SING to her no matter how horrible your voice is
[10] pick her over all the OTHER girls you hang out with
[11] write her NOTES. (she loves them)
[12] introduce her to family & friends as your girlfriend
[13] play with her hair.
[14] pick her up, tickle her, & PLAY WRESTLE with her.
[15] sit in the park & just TALK to her.
[16] tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her JOKES
[17] throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because u missed her.
[18] let her fall asleep in your arms
[19] CARVE YOUR NAMES INTO TREE.
[20] if she`s mad. KiSS her
[21] give her piggyback rides
[22] bring her ROSES just because
[23] treat her the same around your friends as you do when you`re alone
[24] look her in the eyes & SMILE
[25] let her take as many pictures as she wants
[26] SLOW DANCE with her, even if there isn't any music playin
[27] KISS HER IN THE RAIN.
[28] if you`re in love with her.. Tell her

Honestly, I don't know that these are the best ideas. How many girls do I know that like being wrestled with? I just can't see that being a common scenario. That's what the "domestic disturbance" calls on Cops really are. And kissing in the rain? How is that different from regular kissing, except that it looks better in movies? And the "as many pictures as she wants" thing. Most girls I know hate having their pictures taken by guys, but it might be a one-way street there. And the whole "Babe" thing. That seems a little demeaning and embarrassing. My clients (I'm talking about insurance fraud scams when I was like 8, not prostitution) always used to hate it when I called them that.

Now some of the other ones make a bit more sense. The slow-dancing, I hear that works pretty well. The smiling... well, you can't have anything but smiling. Talking to her in the park and telling her jokes... yes. Those are the ones I would bet most heavily on. Oh yeah, and telling her you love her. That seems like it would be really obvious, but for some reason it isn't. Stupid world.

Hmmm... seems like throwing pebbles at a window would get you arrested.

So the lesson today is: The internet is either always wrong or it's usually mixed between wrong and right but always very misleading. I think I'll go with the second option. In the above example, there were truths and falsehoods. But if you weren't careful, you might accidentally think it was all right and do something stupid (like beat up your girlfriend thinking that she'll get that you're just "play wrestling").

On the internet, you have to keep your eyes and ears open so that you don't fall into a stupid trap and buy a whole case of Enzyte or download a million virii (look, I know the rest of you call them viruses, but I'm not the rest of you. And I can ignore spellcheck.). Think, man! Don't just act like a robot! Don't just believe what you're told!

Wikipedia FTW!

(btw this is one of the fastest posts I've ever written.)

19 comments:

Jellyfish said...

"How many girls do I know that like being wrestled with?"

How many have you wrestled with? You're also taking wrestling too far... don't slam her into any poles.

"And kissing in the rain? How is that different from regular kissing"

Rain is fun. Rain is quiet. Rain can be romantic.

It's all about atmosphere.

"And the "as many pictures as she wants" thing. Most girls I know hate having their pictures taken by guys, but it might be a one-way street there."

Go to Facebook and check the flood of pictures. Pictures with their best friend, pics with their boyfriend, pics with the friends... you get it.

"And the whole "Babe" thing. That seems a little demeaning and embarrassing. My clients (I'm talking about insurance fraud scams when I was like 8, not prostitution) always used to hate it when I called them that."

Babe, dear, honey, baby... I'm sure she'd appreciate some synonym or an equivalent word that shows your affection.

Comparing ladies with insurance scammers/victims is a bad comparison.

"The smiling... well, you can't have anything but smiling."

Make faces.

All in all, we learned today that just because something doesn't seem right to you doesn't mean it isn't right for someone else.

Yay!

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

How many times are you going to miss the point, dude?

I just found something interesting on the Internet and talked about it for a while. I didn't say NEVER KIS YO' GIR'FREN' In TEH RAIN!!!11!!! I just said, I don't see that happening for me anytime soon.

IT'S A JOKE.

Jellyfish said...

Well, you did say that you didn't think these were the best ideas.

Sarcasm doesn't translate well on the internet (another internet lesson for the day!).

I bet your readers thought you were serious (if you were sarcastic, that is).

You should find a better way to separate sarcasm and seriousness, for my sake, yes?

All's well ends well (Shakespeare for Melora!).

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

Well, it wasn't sarcasm, but you still missed the point. It isn't RT's Definitive Bible on Dating and Love. It's something I found and talked about. I didn't say JELLYFISH YOU HAVE TO THINK THE WAY I DO, I said "this is how I would do things."

It's not that you're missing sarcasm. You're trying to apply my life experience to yourself, and then complaining when they don't work, even though it was never intended for you to try in the first place.

btw, it's "All's well that ends well," if I remember right.

Jellyfish said...

And you're blaming me for pointing out differences then?

IT'S A JOKE!

Actually, I wasn't joking, but I had to try out one of your signature lines.

Jellyfish said...

Btw, you're right.

Ha!

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

Well, the way you "point out differences" is like you're analyzing my psyche, like you're some sort of psychoanalyst (now isn't that redundant). The way you do it is not "Hey, I think it's fine to wrestle with girls,and you don't think it's always the best idea," which would be pointing out differences. It's something more like: "You're wrong, and I'm going to tell you why you don't know what in Hades' underpants you're talking about," which is completely different. If you're comparing differences, then you should actually say how you're different from me, not how I'm somehow different from reality or something.

Really. If you want to do your own writeup on "28 Things," then do it on your blog. You have one. That's what it's for.

I dunno. Just think about it for maybe ten minutes before you comment or something. Then you might get the actual aim of my articles.

The signature line thing -- are you just talking about the way I use bolds and italics?

PS - I don't think it's such a hot idea to get a flame war going here. If the next comment is just more of the same, I'm not going to approve it. I'm a veteran of The CPM Flame Wars (haha), and I know how these things get started, and I know the nice way and the mean way to end them. Nice way: nip it in the bud. I'm choosing the nice way. Fair warning, eh?

Jellyfish said...

Mrsh.

The "way I point out differences (like I'm analyzing your psyche, like I'm some sort of psychoanalyst (now isn't that redundant))" is still pointing out differences.

It isn't Jellyfish's Definitive Bible on Dating and Love. It's something I found and talked about. I didn't say RT YOU HAVE TO THINK THE WAY I DO, I said "this is how I would do things." Except I cut out the "this is how I would do things" and said "I do things.

After all, it is up to you and how you see it.

Even if I made a very mild comment, I'm sure you would take it as "YOU'RE WRONG! WHARGARBL!"

I was simply taking the ideas you thought wrong and telling some ways it would be right. No insults, corrections, or otherwise.

I never said that you didn't know what you were talking about. You're not stupid (far from it) and you DO (ha) know what you're talking about.

I figured we knew each other well enough so if we had some conflicting opinions (which everyone does), it wouldn't be taken wrongly.

I cut to the chase. I'm ALL about the business.

All in all, you took my comment wrongly and thought I was trying to shoot you down, where I listing some differences, hitting post, and running off to play my video games... I mean busy work.

So, sorry if it looked like I was trying to kill your point, but it was simply a overreaction.

Anyway, end of arguments! I bet the ladies are all

"There they go again. Rt's threatening Michael so he won't be able to post comments, and Michael is going to call us up so he can whine at us over lunch. But at least he'll pay for the lunch. I can tune him out while I'm eating.

Lunch is good."

Right ladies? I can read your minds! Except you guys (I mean girls!) can do your Do and kill my arm.

Ha. Long comment.

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

Anyway, while you were gone Jakshot tried to post one of his gay comments, then someone emailed it to somebody. Busy day.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I'm just sitting at the computer laughing at youse guys. I don't think it's stupid or anything. Just rather trivial.

Thanks for the Shakespeare.

mle

Jellyfish said...

It really gives you a good look on how we handle things differently, doesn't it?

Anonymous said...

Yepper. Personally, I would just find the very rare things that makes a girl melt. And then don't overuse them.
mle

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

Thanks for the tip.

Anonymous said...

Roses are overrated. Variety wins!
BB

Anonymous said...

Btw, the whole "leave her a message in the morning" thing is stupid. It's ok to leave a message...but does it have to be in the morning? Things first thing in the morning can get really old really fast. Really.
mle
(sorry for griping. I almost killed the Motel 6 wakeup call the other day.)

RT (Panzer Time!) said...

I really agree about the roses thing. They don't smell all that awesome, and they're too ubiquitous to be special anymore.

Jellyfish said...

I dunno... appreciate roses because they're always so delicate... yet so pretty.

Roses are nice.

Of course, if you present it as "another rose", you're not going to be impressed. But simply because something is stereotypical and an old trick in the book doesn't mean you can't make it special.

I dunno. I just like roses.

Anonymous said...

I like roses too! But going to the trouble of finding out her favorite flower and then using the knowledge is sweeter. (than a rose?)
mle

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Yay Will!

Yours Truly said...

Haha, Artie, I read over this again and laughed at ourselves. We're pretty dang cool.