Friday, December 26, 2008

I still haven't eaten all my Lemonheads?

It's been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since I last wrote one of these (these being coherent blocks of text). Kind of sobering to realize that. When I go on these short vacations, I tend to lose all grip on space and time. For heaven's sake, I spent almost all of Thanksgiving Break unsure of where I was. I think I went to bed early every night. This time, it took me a while to gear down to a vacationesque level of alertness. I started sleeping on the couch a week before exams in order to gain a head start of sorts. I guess it kind of worked. I still got a 97 on my English exam and a 95 on my math exam, and I still woke up at 0430 every day until the Saturday after exams (I was done with exams on Wednesday), but by Friday I was ready to spend every day solidly locked in to either electronic entertainment or cleaning duties. It's exhausting work being on vacation.

But since exams have ended, I've celebrated my birthday, my buddy's birthday, and my Savior's birthday. Another friend of mine had major surgery (and apparently survived, which is awesome). I got to watch a buttload of anime. Hey, where's the point in this? Why am I recapping what I did over my holiday? The major surgery's the only part that I haven't done every other Christmas break.

OK, last Christmas I made a list of all the stuff I got. I'll see how that flies this year.

-DS lite, black
-Guitar Hero On Tour (that's the DS version, I wasn't super excited about it)
-Civilization: Revolution (DS)
-Arkanoid DS
-Mechanic Master (DS)
-Medal of Honor Heroes 2 (Wii)
-6000 "copper coated premium BBs" (made in USA)
-Nerf gun
-the new Dilbert book (one of the heaviest books I own)
-guitar stand
-UV filter for my camera (doesn't actually fit any of my lenses)
-various doodads and diddlywhacks

Oh! And the cancer's almost gone from my family. One great-uncle got cured and the other is going to die of pneumonia instead. And why in the heck do I hear a frog or toad or whatever outside? It's December!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Blue Steel

Point of reference: this is my 100th post. Take some time now to read my archives! It'll be a fun and informative journey through my brain.

It was my birthday yesterday. I got a novelty tie and a gun. The novelty tie is red. It's got a picture of the leg lamp from A Christmas Story on it and a little tiny LED inside it so it lights up. The gun is a Ruger New Model Blackhawk in .357 Magnum with a 6 1/2 inch barrel, blued steel, and checkered rubber grips. It comes with an alternate cylinder so I can shoot 9mm ammo if I want.

I was planning on loads more festivity for my hundredth post, but I realized if I didn't tone down and do something soon I'd never get to the big one-oh-oh.

My revolver: link

Monday, December 15, 2008

Bon Jovi's kissin' on dudes again

Which Azumanga Daioh Driver Are You?
Which Azumanga Daioh Driver Are You?
Hosted By Anime

Awesome. Now only if we had the same haircut.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Be thou digital

I gotta watch myself.

I'm in a dangerous position. The Anime Expo guys just put up their 2009 page a couple weeks ago and I found out a few minutes ago. There's no information on the site right now, but if I'm not careful, I'll find myself refreshing every ten minutes to check on registration prices and sponsors and events and crap like that.

Ya see, a friend and I had planned to go to AX (the colloquial name for Anime Expo) in 2009, but I failed to get the adult go-ahead. Anyway, we had gotten all sorts of packing lists and stuff set up and we were trying to figure out who was going and who was cosplaying as who. I was going to be Liquid Snake!

So it ended up being a waste of time. Just like the SOS Brigade t-shirts. And the "As long as we're better than One Piece..." t-shirts. I guess I'm just lazy. Oh well, so was Rip Van Winkle. And he took a big long nap and missed the most awesome war in his era.


(Be thou analog)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Say MARK-2, or せーまくつー

I think I might just be ready to form a band. Problem is all my friends are flakes and we'd never actually get anything done. All I want is a good Creedence Clearwater Revival tribute band. That's all. No, not even that much. Just some buds to jam with. But not buds who think they know everything. It's fine if they actually do know everything, but it's hard to find people like that.

My life kinda sucks right now. I snoozed through a Gummint test and made a C+ cos I defined "republican government" as "where the dudes are sovereign." Normally that'll cut it, but in this instance I should have put "when people vote for dudes to represent them." The big problem is that the same question was asked several times on the same test. So now I have a B+ in a class. Goodbye, straight A record!

I've procrastinated writing my term paper until two nights before it's due and I spent so much time cleaning my room today that I don't think I'll finish writing it by bedtime.

I kinda feel like I've lost all touch with reality over the last two or three years and I'm only now getting it back. This kinda sums it up : button to click on. It's not a fun place to be, but it looks like it's where I am.

Kinda hungry too, but I ate my last cup noodles for lunch.

I've been working a little bit on learning Japanese. So far I've only learned how to read the gojuuon in hiragana, but at least it's easy to sing along with the songs on Heavy Metal L-Gaim now. It's surprising how quickly you can learn something by simply flipping through a stack of flashcards a couple of times.

What should I get for Christmas?

Friday, November 21, 2008

"Nuff Said" redux

Celebrity voiceovers.

I've found my calling.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Motor of the World's stopped again

Done with that existential crisis. I don't know why I let my self get like that sometimes, but I sure as heck do, as irrational as it may be.

However, there are pretty big crises going on elsewhere. You know, the resurgence of Communism, the regular warlording in Africa, gay people who complain too much when they don't get their way, Russia's rape of Eastern Europe, fatherless children, people who play class warfare and want my money, people who just don't get that what is mine is mine, and people who want my guns.

Hey! La plus change, la plus même.

I'm reading again. Right now I'm finishing up Mongoose R.I.P. and The Road Ahead. Next on my list is Atlas Shrugged, and I just finished the amazing Obasan. Ongoing things include Riots, U.S.A., Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and of course, the Book of Mormon.

But the darned pain in my back and knees better go away. I think the back pain is from sitting with crappy posture and I know the knee pain is from whacking my knees on too many fixed objects.

it may sound strange coming from a dude like me, but I hope Western capitalism fails. I love capitalism, but I hate it for the same reason Marx wasn't actually a big fan of Communism. Prophet, but not lover. See, according to Marxist theory, Communism is an intermediate, temporary step on the way to true socialism. That's what Marx really wanted. I feel that the capitalism we have today is flawed. If we could start over, we could rebuild it without all the stupid mandated sharing that goes on. We'd be a bit more like what Adam Smith (who was a way happier, and more successful, dude than Marx) thought we should be like.


Oh, and Jefferson was sort of a dork about that whole Revolution! thing. Why can't people just ignore the government? If it was more inefficient, we could. It's all Congress's fault.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

President Ronald Reagan's Magic (1984 vintage)

I dunno, guys. 93 posts and I'm already feeling like quitting. I'm considering getting out of the blogging game. I've got bigger fish to fry.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Story time (only the coffee remains)

OK, like, I dunno. This is a good story, I guess. I've been considering whether or not I should tell it for a while now.

ONCE UPON A TIME there was a girl named Abigail. She had long, dark hair. She liked to tie it up with a long ribbon that was red, white and blue. There was a boy named RT. He was mischievous. He really liked pranks. He went to skool with Abigail every day. I guess we can say that he was sorta friends with her.

One night, RT went to a church thing that was supposed to be fun but wasn't really. It was supposed to be a mock Olympic Games. The kids who went to the church thing were split into teams and made to run various insipid relays. You know, like carry water around in your hands and fill up a bucket.

RT was amazing, even though his arms hurt like heck cos he had gotten a number of injections earlier that day. Or week. I can't remember which. Néanmoins, RT led his team to victory in some dumb game. Since the activity was supposed to be a mock Olympic Games, the awards were mock Olympic Medals. They were made of a red, white, and blue ribbon with chocolates wrapped in shiny foil attached to them. RT ate his nasty truffle (it was actually pretty nasty) and went home. He dropped the ribbon on the floor and went about his business. He got undressed and brushed his teeth and turned on some Queensrÿche. He sat down at his awesome computer and began to interface with the World Wide Web.

He surfed all the usual sites, like Blogger, Wikipedia, TechRepublic, hack_a_day, and deviantArt. After a few hours of knowledge memorization, he began to tire somewhat.

Being mischievous, and loving pranks very much, he looked at the ribbon on the floor next to his guitar and began to formulate a plan. He thought of Abigail, who was his first "friend" on deviantArt. He thought of her dark hair and the ribbons that she loved to wear in them.

He knew what he would do.

He grabbed his very expensive camera and got to work. He laid the ribbon on the floor and took a picture of it next to the toe of his boot (he was kneeling). He uploaded the picture to deviantArt as a scrap and called it "HOSTAGE."

He sent Abigail a "note:"

"I got one of your hair ribbons and I'm holding it hostage!

Look at my scraps. "

Later, he came back to see if she had left some comments or whatever. In the meantime, he took some other ransom-like pictures with the ribbon and uploaded them. But they're not so important, and they only make this dialogue confusing, so...



what do you want? ill give you (almost) anything!!!!

and where did you find it? ive been looking for it! lol"


"It's not like I'm burglarizing your house and stealing things from your room with the pastel-painted walls or anything. (I vaguely remember green.)

Honestly, I never thought this far ahead. I forgot to come up with a ransom. I'll try to figure something out soon."


" RT. just wow.

hahahhahha im not too sure i know exactly what to say to that. hahahah

okay. please let me know what i have to do to get that cheer ribbon back. lol . lots of memories there. tehe"



btw was I right about the green paint?"


"indeed yu were"


"Awesome! And I'm still working on what I could possibly want that only you could give me. I'm totally open to suggestions."


"lol. ill give you Melora." (remember that was HER idea)


"That would make me very happy, but how would she feel?"


"im not really sure..."


"Yeah, I've got a feeling it wouldn't be a super-good idea."

And that's pretty much where they both forgot about it for a while. But RT still thinks about it sometimes. And Abigail may or may not, but it appears that she never realized that RT didn't actually steal her ribbon.

I dunno. Like I said, it's sort of an interesting story. And seriously, is she ever going to figure out that I don't actually have her ribbon? Considering the way she's talked to me elsewhere, it seems like it's pretty important to her. Sentimental value and all that. I don't really know what to do about it. Tell her? If so, how? And how long should I let this go on? What if somebody really did steal her ribbon at the same time that I claimed to? Cos I really like my ribbon and I'd sort of hate to have to give it to her cos I feel sorry for her or something.

(btw, the title of this post is from a Trout Fishing in America song.)

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Apparently I'm really popular on the INet. Somehow I ended up searching for myself (my INet aliases, really) on Google and I rank pretty high. So does my blog. It ranks higher than any of my friends's blogs, I think. Google gives it a PageRank of 2? It was higher than that. Anyhow! I was really surprised to see how high I ranked on Image Search too. Last time I checked any of this I was way down at the bottom with obscure search terms like "color pages that are made out for you." These days Swedes can type in Def Leppard lyrics and find my blog in a flash. Cool, huh?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A nickel (spoken with gravity).

What I wouldn't give to have a copy of Kyrie Eleison so I could sing it in the shower. That would be so boss, dude.

But the point of this is that nobody I've spoken to knows what a severed elk leg looks like and I'll never get around to writing about half the things I say I'm gonna write about.

As far as the severed elk leg goes, I saw it on the ground in Riley's Canyon last week and I took a picture of it. When I tried to tell a large group of people about it today, nobody knew what in tarnation I was talking about. Here's the picture, for illustrative purposes:

Now for handling the lies! It's not like I mean to mislead anyone. I just make lots of promises I can't keep. Examples: My PSAT score; I didn't write about it until ma petite chou said something that jogged my memory. I once promised a tirade against silverware and all foods except raw fish. Never got around to it. I don't think I really need to, but it might be fun someday. Just a few days ago, I told ya'll that I'd write about my rock epiphany. I'd love to tell the world, but I don't think I'm quite ready. I think that sort of goes back to my "I know how to write!" post. I found what I'm supposed to write about. I know how to write about it. I just think I need to hold it in a little longer. Until the time is right or whatever.

Y'know, I've been thinking loads recently about what my future's going to look like. I want to go to CalTech and get an engineering degree, but I seem to be realizing that even though I'm good at engineering and I like building stuff, my heart may just not be in it. I realized I'm probably going to be just like my uncle. He went to BYU, got an engineering degree, and ended up in the film business. [Note - he's working on some film named Gentleman Broncos. I think he's the gaffer for this one.] That's exactly what's going to happen to me. I'm going to get accepted to CalTech, but I'm going to end up going to BYU for some lame reason and graduate with a degree in chemical engineering (or whatever degree teaches you how to write network protocols). Then I'm going to become a mildly successful comedian or artist or something. Imagine that! RT as an artist! It boggles even my brain. Now, I love doing stand-up, but I don't know if I could do that for a living. I don't think my dreams of rockroll stardom will ever come true either. I used to know this dude who was the bassist in this band called Breaking Point. He really sort of hated it because he had to travel so much and do all the shows and be away from his wife and kids and friends. I love travel loads, but I don't like being away from my friends and family and stuff.

Aurora Borealis comes in view!
Aurora comes in view!
And I ran!
I ran so far away!
I ran all night and day!
Gotta get away...

It's sort of fun to write with music in the background. I better stop now, though, because I bet I'll get carried away if I'm not careful.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Ooh, comfortably numb!

Did anyone realize that Smash Mouth is still around? I just found out that they are, and I'm gonna be major pissed if it turns out somebody knew and didn't tell me.

When I was a little kid, MTV wasn't polluted by crap like Crystal Castles. [Courtship Dating is one of the worst music videos I've ever seen.] It was still what I like to call "cool." I remember sitting on on the floor in my parents's room in late 97 (maybe early 98) and the music video of "Walkin' on the Sun" came on. That song, that video, have been prime forces in my life since then. I'll never forget the image of the band sprawled on the pavement. (And before anyone asks, I remember when "All Star" was cool too.)

I think later I'll write about my rock epiphany.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I approve this message!

I was able to spend the last hour NOT refreshing Blogger. Amazing, hein? It was accomplished through the power of fine art. You see, I'm a photographer. It's fun. It's my hobby. As I've said before, I take pictures because it's pictures. So what I was doing was looking through my old photos and my Flickr to see if I had any good material lying around for deviantArt. I found some good stuff. I think three things to put on dA and one to put on Flickr. Hey, it doesn't hurt to go look. It takes all of fifteen minutes to look at every single thing I have on dA. I know; I just did it. Just go to the Gallery, go to page two, and... nah. I'll just give you a link. Above the picture there's a little link that says "back" and one that says "forward." Just keep clicking on those and you'll get through all of it pretty quickly.

I love self-promotion!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Spot the split infinitive!


I had forgotten how much I love Chicago. I didn't realize how much I missed the smells, the sounds, the tastes, and the sights.

Going to the cemetery to pour Pepsi on my great-grandfather's grave and Coke Zero on my great-grandmother's grave probably symbolizes the bond I have with the city pretty well. I've never lived there, but it's where my family came from. I'm the only person with my name to not be born in Chicago. I feel at home there. I'm comfortable on Pulaski and confident Downtown.

Sure there were constructive purposes for going there. I visited Northwestern University. I made up my mind not to apply to Northwetsern University. I saw the Bears beat the Eagles 24-20. I rode in a truck with Wisconsin tags (they gave me peanuts; I was happy). I watched some good TV and got to skip a bit of skool. Those are all reasons enough to go.

But sometimes reason enough, well, is reason too much.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Never gonna shake it...

I don't know what to say.

I guess this can be called writer's block. It's no fun, if that's what it is. I want to say something, but I don't know what. It's worse than not knowing the answer to a math problem but not so terrifying as night paralysis.

I could bore you with "random" facts. The word "really" does not appear anywhere in the King James Version of the Bible.

I could tell you everything I've bought for myself recently. A Camouflage record, some tapes, and a JVC dual tape deck.

I could tell you all the happy things that have happened to me. I was elected to President of the French Club.

I could tell you all the sad things. Another one of my mother's uncles has terminal cancer.

I could tell you how happy I am that I have the friends I do. Thanks, guys.

I could tell about my favorite comic strips. I really like Dilbert.

Yay tempo, hein?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Panzer Time!

Yesterday in English our beloved teacher was absent due to illness. We had a substitute on the way, but we still needed entertainment for a while until he arrived. Our teacher from last year came in and we cheered.

Last year, he used a Jeopardy "page-a-day" calendar every morning to wake us up. Naturally, I won for the year. I was so proud of myself that I had trophies made for the top three scorers.

While he was babysitting us yesterday, we held a Jeopardy contest with this year's page-a-day. Naturally, I won, even though I wasn't in top form.

One question went as follows: "This popular 1940 German song was about tanks rolling through North Africa." I didn't know the answer. I guessed "Horst Wessel Lied" for fun, but I was wrong. The song was called "Panzer!"

The girl who sits behind me this year was the second place competitor last year. She started laughing. It cut me to the core. She said something along the lines of: "It's just funny that you don't know that." (If you don't get the joke, look at the frikkin title of my blog.) I mean, I guess it is funny, but still. I felt bad.

I came home from skool early today. I have a bunch of free time tonight, so I decided to look around and find a copy of this "Panzer!" YouTube brought the quickest result, and it is here.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


I almost forgot about this. Good thing I remembered, or no one would ever be able to see it and laugh with me.

It's a poem some friends and I wrote one day for a homework assignment. It's not really supposed to mean anything.

a troubled friend (Title - Person's Name)
[Redacted] (Your name)

When I watch you
falling down like rain
depressed and disconsolate, surrounded by the despair
of your dismal dwelling
when I watch you
in your dreary depths
without a way out
pondering life and death
like a rose, trampled on the ground
I say
when I watch you
you ghost in a shell
who used to smile so bright
I stand up
through your sorrow
I stand up


[Teacher's note: Please share w/ your friend Well written-]

I hope my typography is understandable. I almost feel like e.e. cummings.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


You know, I really like drawing. I like to do little drawings of le petit prince on my homework and little drawings of machine guns on my tests. I like drawing Minoru Shiraishi on napkins and flowcharts on index cards.

It's sort of fun to draw. It's also sort of fun to write. I never actually realized that I do have a reasonable amount of skill as a writer. Well, until today. I realized that I actually can write and be cohesive and all that other important stuff. I always thought that because I never wrote "flowery" stuff like... forget her name, think it's Katie, I wasn't a real writer. I failed miserably at that big writer's competition. But I think it was really all in my head. I have something that I need to tell everybody. Now that I've learned how to tell everyone, I just have to learn how to look inside myself and see what message I have to share that only I can share.

I also like to dust my bookshelf and jumpstart cars. I like to eat fish and drink tea. I like to read biographies of scientists and madmen (is there a difference? Yes.). I like to adjust my blinds so that I can use sunlight instead of artificial light. I like to listen to jazz and heavy metal. I like to wear manly brown leather Wellington boots and felt caps.

Maybe I like poetry.

But not Birches.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Covert Jazz!

I have a leg holster for my iPod. It's flipping cool. I can hide it inside my pants or under a large coat. If I run the earbud wire under my shirt, I can let the wires come up the back of my neck and keep the buds themselves from being too noticeable.

Chew on that, authority. Do I want to spray-paint something? I think I'll put on some Psychedelic Furs. Do I want to run from the cops? Motteke Sailor Fuku. Rob a bank? Why Can't This Be Love. Case the joint? Research Lab from the Portable Ops soundtrack. Stay awake in class? License to Thrill. Beat up druggies? Hymn of the USSR.

Sounds fun, eh? It's not unlike that commercial I saw for ING bank or whatever. This dude was walking around in the park and there was a dude wearing a tracksuit walking in front of him carrying a boombox playing impressive music (gerunds much?). He was described as a guy with his own themetrack.

What do you think my themetrack should be?

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sunday, August 24, 2008

I flippin' love this tie!

I was writing a talk for church today on the backs of index cards and, as I am wont to do, I let my mind wander quite a bit while I was doing it. I got to thinking about how I've never run for any sort of electable position at skool. I always blamed it on "I don't want to get involved in weirdo Church of Christ politics (I'm Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, sorta different there)," but I don't think that was entirely honest. I tried figuring out a bit why I never did run. I thought about bizarre confidence problems that seem to come out of the woodwork at times. I mean bizarre. I'd be much more confident as an Olympic gymnast than as an actor in a high-skool production of "Up the Down Staircase." And I've never done any gymnastics before, but I have acted before. Now tell me that isn't bizarre. I mean, how does that make sense? I know I'd make the greatest under-cover soldier guerrilla secret agent ever, but my fear of not being able to properly pull of a Czech accent prevents me from buying a tuxedo and growing a mustache and flying to Spain. I think that's strange too.

So I thought some more, because I knew that it wasn't the confidence that was the issue. I was CONFIDENT that if I ran I would win. I considered lack of caring. That seemed more like it. That's something I'm real good at. Apathy has always been a real cool cannon that I could fire whenever something got in my way. Lame teacher? Blam, I don't care. Bad food? Blam, fish is better, who cares. Hard final exam? Pshaw, I can take an F on this. Caltech isn't gonna look at my seventh-grade Bible grades. (Neither am I, if it means anything.) So apathy was definitely an ingredient.

Now I also told people I NEVER WANT TO BE LIKE AMY HARWELL. Yeah, the one who told me later that her hair was naturally black. (I believe her.) I don't want to be the scapegoat that everyone unfairly blames for all their problems for years afterward. I know, however, that I wouldn't do anything disastrous enough for that to happen. And I certainly wouldn't let the people who control me do that either. Ha ha, Sons of Liberty.

So, guys! I just shot my own excuse full of holes. Should I run next year? Note, however, that if I get a job at the State Department like I'm trying to do, I won't be able to attend the dumb (apathy!) retreat, thusly nullifying my election. But money is no object! I'm rolling in cash! Or actually, my financiers are! So if I should run, then I'll run! And throw everyone's confidence in the toilet!

Salt Marsh: I was serious about the suspenders thing and the chess thing.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Crab battle?

I was getting ready for church this morning, and while I was putting on my suspenders, I noticed my copy of Rise and Fall of The Third Reich on my nightstand (yeah, yeah, so I'm not done yet), and this sort of began to boil in my brain. Almost like making instant ramen.

For people who are keeping score, I've got to say that there's a Golden Age for pretty much everything. There was a Golden Age of totalitarianism in the 1920's. There was a Golden Age of Free Love in the late sixties. There was a Golden Age of "crap we're gonna die" in the late 14th century. There was a Golden Age of bad fashion which began circa 1985 and is generally thought to have ended circa 2002.

Now, on a more human scale, there are high points (COMMENTERS! DO NOT MENTION THE COFFEE SHOP OF THAT NAME!). Personally, I think my high point of lying about brushing my teeth ended about the time I was seven or eight, maybe nine. I've hit my high point of slacking off and getting loads of crap I didn't earn (well, I hope that's not really the case, but I wouldn't be surprised).

I remember the time I used to spend two hours writing a blog post, and then one gay kid would read it and I'd have to delete his comments. I eventually got two more (semi-)regular readers. I mastered the art of saying enough without saying too much. I learned how to tell a story without divulging my identity or giving gender cues about my subjects (writers: it's a real challenge, but very rewarding; try it sometime).

Then I got W3Counter to work and constantly tracked my readers. How they got there, where they lived, how long they stayed. My posts got shorter, it seemed. Not that that's a problem. I just didn't pour my heart into them anymore. Maybe it's because I started keeping a real diary. Maybe not. It's not worse now, just different.

I'm sort of proud of this!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dang man!

Turns out that sometimes my plans do work. I have all these great ideas, like using concrete walls as practice for stabbing people with beer bottles, but they always end up really bad. Like I end up stabbing myself with the beer bottle instead. Or all the times I figured out an awesome prank that I was going to do, but it turned out in the end that I didn't care enough to carry it out.

But sometimes my plans do work, like I just said. Then it's freaking awesome. And sometimes there's a little bonus afterwords. It makes me so happy. It validates my existence, in a way.


Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Under the table...

For your viewing pleasure, I have posted a copy of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

I didn't make it, so I don't know what the copyright status is.

What in the Heck.

So it is undoubtedly classless, and there lies its strength. A toff can be a bit of a chap as well without, as it were, losing face.

OK. Yes. Is that not the most confusing thing you've ever read? To me it's an example of why British people who refuse to speak English need their own Wikipedia. I mean, there's a "simple English" Wikipedia, so why not an "Andy Capp's" Wikipedia?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My affairs are slightly more ordered now.

It would seem that my last post is insufficient. Even though I've had like five viewers since I wrote it, nobody's written anything (or stayed longer than thirty seconds). I don't blame them. It was just something I slammed into my keyboard after eating the rest of a bag of M&Ms I had purchase on a plane yesterday morning.

I better explain that a bit better. I flew from Washington D.C. to my metropolis of primary residence yesterday. On the whole, it was an enjoyable experience. I got to spend a few hours in Ronald Reagan National Airport, which is beautiful. Honestly my favorite airport in the world. I had a chance to buy and read The Wall Street Journal, which I missed after being away from home so long. I got to listen to the entire soundtrack of Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops. It's a beautiful soundtrack, even though the lyrics of Calling to the Night don't make a whole lot of sense. I can forgive it though, seeing as how it was probably written in Japanese. I got to eat a few good donuts. Even though I had a crappy Coach class seat, rather than my preferred First class seat, it was an aisle seat and I sat next to a comparatively attractive woman who didn't bug me or fart or anything. I got to read a little from A History of Modern Computing.

In the end, I like walking around other cities wearing a suit and looking important. Travel is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I know that a whole lot of those TSA witches can be annoying, but when seen as part of the big picture it's not that big of a deal.

Travel is fun.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Hard Candy Shell

You know how you sometimes get that funny taste in your mouth when you eat M&Ms and you can't quite get all of the little pieces of hard candy shell out of your mouth? They get stuck between your cheek and lower jaw, and they're super-annoying.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Where's my ID?

I had a dream last night that I was playing onstage with Def Leppard. We were sort of adlibbing and I was playing a doubleneck guitar. It was so cool, especially the twelve-string guitar solo I pulled off at the end. I need to get a band put all the way together, as in give it a name. And maybe get another guitarist and vocalist. And a drummer. Those are pretty hard to find where I live, ya know.

Anyway, this is sort of a waste of bandwidth. But I realized the other day that a TRUE netizen needs not worry about wasting collective bandwidth, especially with a service like Blogger. The true netizen needs to always contribute worthwhile information to the space so that others can use it.

Stop making me pay for your stuff, Yahoo. I can't wait til Microsoft acquires you. Then your stuff will be FREE.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Not very nice of me!

OK, I'm going to say that it was a little bit cruel of me to throw that last post at you guys. I didn't make that up, it was generated using a computer. That's why I said that it would scare me if anybody claimed to understand it. They'd have to be crazy or a liar.

Just should have given some advanced warning or whatever. You know, like if the Soviets decided to blow us up it would sure be nice if they told us first. That way we could go into a cave well-stocked with crackers and lead paint. I've seriously been in caves stocked with hard tack, by the way. America, home of the brave. We were willing to eat hard tack and salt pork for as long as it would take to beat the godless Communist oppressors.

(I'm actually watching MTV Cribs again, and the guy on now is an idiot. I don't think he can even read. MTV used to be good, dude. Where'd the magic go?)

And yeah, sorry again for giving some serious headaches to you guys. I can't even read that stuff. Luckily I know when to quit.

Did you notice that the paragraphs were more or less identical?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

I'm watching MTV Cribs and this is what I typed.

I can be smart too! Look:

We have already seen that the descriptive power of the base component is unspecified with respect to the traditional practice of grammarians. Note that the earlier discussion of deviance raises serious doubts about a parasitic gap construction. Conversely, this selectionally introduced contextual feature can be defined in such a way as to impose problems of phonemic and morphological analysis. This suggests that the appearance of parasitic gaps in domains relatively inaccessible to ordinary extraction is, apparently, determined by the strong generative capacity of the theory. It may be, then, that a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort cannot be arbitrary in an abstract underlying order.

Let us continue to suppose that the systematic use of complex symbols appears to correlate rather closely with nondistinctness in the sense of distinctive feature theory. Summarizing, then, we assume that relational information does not affect the structure of a general convention regarding the forms of the grammar. However, this assumption is not correct, since a subset of English sentences interesting on quite independent grounds may remedy and, at the same time, eliminate the ultimate standard that determines the accuracy of any proposed grammar. It must be emphasized, once again, that the descriptive power of the base component is not subject to the requirement that branching is not tolerated within the dominance scope of a complex symbol. It may be, then, that a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort is unspecified with respect to a parasitic gap construction.

Nevertheless, a case of semigrammaticalness of a different sort is unspecified with respect to nondistinctness in the sense of distinctive feature theory. By combining adjunctions and certain deformations, any associated supporting element suffices to account for an important distinction in language use. Note that a subset of English sentences interesting on quite independent grounds can be defined in such a way as to impose irrelevant intervening contexts in selectional rules. We will bring evidence in favor of the following thesis: the speaker-hearer's linguistic intuition cannot be arbitrary in a stipulation to place the constructions into these various categories. Conversely, the appearance of parasitic gaps in domains relatively inaccessible to ordinary extraction raises serious doubts about the strong generative capacity of the theory.

Bet you didn't know I had an IQ of like 170-180. Seriously, I think I do have an IQ that high. Or really high anyhow. Towards that end of the scale it's less ans less accurate and less and less relevant.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It's been coming.

Before we start today, I'll say that this is something that's been building up for a long long time. I originally gave this tirade during the leadup to my English final, while the proctor was looking for a place to stack finished exams.

Why do you need to make room on your desk? Why not just move all that stuff to the floor?

The floor is an underutilized architectural element in Western society. What do we need all of this junk for? Are you kidding me? Furniture? What are chairs for? What do we need these desks to be three and a half feet in the air for? I don't need my paper to be waist-high to write it. Make it nine inches high or a foot high and sit me indian-style in front of it. Or I can kneel. That's ok too.

Why do we have these beds way up in the air? Just lay on a flat mattress or something. Couch? Nah, cushions. Set 'em on the floor and put your tush on 'em. If you want to lean, get yourself a big round cushion.

Television? Computer? Floor. Set the keyboard up on your table. You only need one table. Perfectly square, made of wood, parquet is ok, stone inlay is ok. One foot tall. About four or five feet long on each side. If you want, you can put shallow drawers or pockets on the side. Great.

I've been sleeping and sitting on floors my whole life, and it hasn't hurt me none. Try it. You might like it.

Coming next week, my diatribe against silverware! And any foods other than raw fish!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

We cracked the Gibson!

I saw what looked like the lamest date ever today. Here's the story.

I went down to the river to go skimboarding today. I was having fun, and some dude who looked like he knew what he was doing showed up. He was skimboarding too. Then I noticed that he had his girlfriend with him. No biggie. What he does is his business, right? Well then I saw that she wasn't skimboarding. But she was moving around all the ramps for him and standing around watching him skimboard in a mediocre manner.

Now what's the deal with this? "Hey toots, lets go watch me skimboard. And then you can move around the ramps." That's so vain and inconsiderate. It's like if I said "Come on, I'm going to hack this server and you're going to watch me sit in front of my flickering VGA monitor and get me a screwdriver or notebook every now and then." How is it supposed to be exciting or fun for her? He wasn't particularly good at skimboarding or good-looking shirtless.

For real, go to a baseball game or something. Spectatorship isn't always bad, but this isn't real spectatorship. If he were a world champion skimboarder or if he were super-muscular, I could see that it might actually be fun for her to watch him and move around his ramps.

It just didn't look all that rewarding for her, like she wasn't really getting anything out of it. It sort of reminds me of that episode of Still Standing where the teenage daughter was dating some jerk, who kept playing basketball with her because he thought if he beat her mercilessly then she'd think he was a hunk, and at the end of the episode he says, "Maybe later you can come to my house and watch me lift weights." Really, I can understand wanting to showcase your talents, but what about some of her talents and stuff?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

That sarcastic little...

Just leave your name.

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
4. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
5. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
6. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.

I got this idea from a friend of mine some time ago and I've been considering doing it for a while now. It seems fun. It might be a little hard for me, but I think I can handle a challenge.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I'm happy.

I finally got my hands on a pair of suspenders. They're sort of a bluish color. I've been wearing them with the same ripped jeans and faded MIT shirt for three days. Well, not really. I wore shorts and a red shirt Thursday.

Bad news though. I ripped my favorite Vans on the couch corner and I forgot to bring chopsticks... I'm not going to be able to eat on this trip. What's wrong with me? How do I forget something that important? That's like a normal person forgetting to bring their glasses or something. That's like me forgetting my glasses. It's like me forgetting my Cubs wristband. It's like a normal person forgetting their foot. It just can't happen. It's not right.

What's this world coming to?

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Here we go again.

Yet another copy/paste. I substituted the original answers with my own. This could be considered a follow-up to the last post, if you want to see it that way.

Note: This is supposed to be humorous.

1. Is that your natural hair color?
Of course!

2. Where was your default pic taken?
Hmmm... depends which one. Probably the desert.

3. What's your middle name?
Not telling you. I don't trust the Internet.

4. Your current relationship status?

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
How in the heck would I know? I'm no lie detector.

6. What is your current mood?

7.What color underwear are you wearing?
I'll kick your shins if you ask that again.

8.What is one thing that makes you happy?
Pulling the trigger of a gun, feeling the hammer fall, seeing a neat little hole show up right where I wanted it.

10. If you could go back in time, and change something what would it be?
Not be as big of a jerk.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be?
Bird of some sort.

12. Ever had a near death experience?
Of course. They usually involve water.

13. Something you do a lot?
Imagine! Then curse myself for imagining stupid stuff.

14. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
"Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. Hehe.

15. who did you copy and paste this from?
That identity will not be revealed, for the protection of the innocent.

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you?
Oh, loads. But I'm not telling, because it IS the Internet.

17. When was the last time you cried?
Oh, years and years ago.

18. Have you ever sang in front of a large audience?
Yup! Loved every minute of it, too.

19. If you could have one super power what would it be?
Invisibility would be super handy, but flying might be fun. Or I could do the whole human mercury thing like on Alex Mack.

20. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Hair color... I have terrible vision, it's about all I can really see without looking super close.

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I just stand around all surly-like when I get taken there. Freakin' hippie joint.

22. What’s your biggest secret?
Not telling. What's your problem, man?

23. What's your favorite color?
Well, I have different favorite colors for different things. Like for t-shirt fabric, I prefer charcoal gray. Or charcoal grey. Hoohoo, gettin' fancy.

24. When was the last time you lied?
Oh man, not today. That's for sure.

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Occasionally. I tend to only do it if I remember it from my own "kiddyhood."

27. What are you eating or drinking at the moment?

28. Do you speak any other language?
The language of love. Just kidding... French is my specialty, but I can do a little Spanish and German as the need arises.

29. What's your favorite smell?
Gasoline... or maybe that old smell that I hardly ever smell. The one from skool.

30. If you could describe life in one word what would it be?

31. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
Yesterday morning.

32. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
What in the heck is it with kissing in the rain? (Seriously folks, I'm not making this up.) And no. Never kissed in the rain.

33. What are you thinking about right now?
My feet.

34. What should you be doing?
French... maybe a bit of reading. I'm sweaty from mowing the lawn, so I need to take a shower too.

35. What was the last thing that made you upset?
Dunno really. Depends on the exact meaning of the word "is."

36. How often do you pray?
Practically every ten minutes, if that rarely. Seriously.

37. Do you like working in the yard?

39. Name 5 things in your closet.
Computer equipment, rocket engines, hats, poster collection, stash of old Popular Mechanics.

40. Do you act different around your crush?
People tell me I do, but I can't tell.

Strange what floats around the web these days.

And people, don't go just telling me how my answers are wrong. They are right because these are supposed to be answered how they apply to me, not anyone else.

Friday, May 30, 2008

The Internet said so, Your Honor!

I found this on the ever-truthful intarwebs. Keep in mind it's a really crappy translation from German (really it's just English from a German who isn't fluent in English):

[1] tell her she is BEAUTIFUL. not hott or fine.
[2] hold her hand at ANY moment even if it is just for a second.
[3] KISS her on the forehead
[4] leave her voice messages to wake up to.
[5] ALWAYS tell her you love her at any & and all times.
[6] when she is upset, hold her tight & tell her how much she means to u
[7] recognize the small thingsz ..they usually mean the most.
[8] call her BABE.
[9] SING to her no matter how horrible your voice is
[10] pick her over all the OTHER girls you hang out with
[11] write her NOTES. (she loves them)
[12] introduce her to family & friends as your girlfriend
[13] play with her hair.
[14] pick her up, tickle her, & PLAY WRESTLE with her.
[15] sit in the park & just TALK to her.
[16] tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her JOKES
[17] throw pebbles at her window in the middle of the night just because u missed her.
[18] let her fall asleep in your arms
[20] if she`s mad. KiSS her
[21] give her piggyback rides
[22] bring her ROSES just because
[23] treat her the same around your friends as you do when you`re alone
[24] look her in the eyes & SMILE
[25] let her take as many pictures as she wants
[26] SLOW DANCE with her, even if there isn't any music playin
[28] if you`re in love with her.. Tell her

Honestly, I don't know that these are the best ideas. How many girls do I know that like being wrestled with? I just can't see that being a common scenario. That's what the "domestic disturbance" calls on Cops really are. And kissing in the rain? How is that different from regular kissing, except that it looks better in movies? And the "as many pictures as she wants" thing. Most girls I know hate having their pictures taken by guys, but it might be a one-way street there. And the whole "Babe" thing. That seems a little demeaning and embarrassing. My clients (I'm talking about insurance fraud scams when I was like 8, not prostitution) always used to hate it when I called them that.

Now some of the other ones make a bit more sense. The slow-dancing, I hear that works pretty well. The smiling... well, you can't have anything but smiling. Talking to her in the park and telling her jokes... yes. Those are the ones I would bet most heavily on. Oh yeah, and telling her you love her. That seems like it would be really obvious, but for some reason it isn't. Stupid world.

Hmmm... seems like throwing pebbles at a window would get you arrested.

So the lesson today is: The internet is either always wrong or it's usually mixed between wrong and right but always very misleading. I think I'll go with the second option. In the above example, there were truths and falsehoods. But if you weren't careful, you might accidentally think it was all right and do something stupid (like beat up your girlfriend thinking that she'll get that you're just "play wrestling").

On the internet, you have to keep your eyes and ears open so that you don't fall into a stupid trap and buy a whole case of Enzyte or download a million virii (look, I know the rest of you call them viruses, but I'm not the rest of you. And I can ignore spellcheck.). Think, man! Don't just act like a robot! Don't just believe what you're told!

Wikipedia FTW!

(btw this is one of the fastest posts I've ever written.)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Balalaika! Balaclava! Meryl Silverburgh!

I'm listening to "Wind of Change" by Scorpions right now. If you don't know, it's about the fall of the Iron Curtain, and it's a song that would make me cry if I were physically able to cry.

It's such a touching song. So full of hope. So full of the joy of liberty and unity. So full of love for mankind.

It's the song that we should all sing.

Dr. Hal Emmerich was a great man. Sure he slept with his step-mom while his dad was drowning in a swimming pool. Sure he abandoned his step-sister. Sure he designed a nuclear death machine. But he still cared for mankind. A world full of Dr. Emmerichs would be a great thing.

Hm. Whatever happened to the hope? The happiness? The dignity through wrath?

Maybe it's still there. Maybe we just aren't looking hard enough. Maybe you can only see something like that in the rearview mirror.

How about we try to bring that back? How would we?

Let your balalaika sing
What my guitar wants to say.

Maybe I only say crap like this because I'm an educated white upper-class Protestant male.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to make you guys think.

Pennin Manathai Thottu?

So last night I was sitting around bored, and I decide to look through my old bookmarks folder. Now I prefer direct URL entry to bookmarks, but I still have some.

One of the bookmarks I found was labeled "Why I eat at Bombay House." I like Indian food. I still remember the first time I had it. I was a little under the weather stomachwise to start with, but when I stayed at the hotel the next day rather than go out with the family, I still heated up some lamb curry and tandoori bread in the microwave. That was a day to remember.

Anyhow so in India they have really elaborate music videos. Even more elaborate are the movies. Full of huge song-and dance numbers, sort of like West Side Story or Hairspray or whatever (pick your poison). Thing is the song-and-dance numbers are much funnier to Western audiences. A freind of mine very accurately described it once as a whole village of Micheal Jacksons.

Anyhow here's the video.


Look at some of the other videos from India too.

Monday, May 26, 2008

It's a cart, not a buggy.

Shopping is so much more fun with men than with women. No offense, but I really prefer to do it with representatives of my own gender.

Situation: Bass Pro Shop. Little bro playing hunting video game. Big bro looking at MASSIVE BUCKS XV and WHITETAILS GONE WILD IX DVDs. (Don't ask me why people actually watch those.)

Mom: Hey! Stop touching stuff! Only look at something if you're going to buy it! Come on, we need to try on socks.

Dad: Hey, the XBox still works, right? OK, put it in the cart. You can be Trophy Hunters when we get home. Let's go look at anchors.

Situation: Kroger, creamed corn aisle. Little bro sitting on the cart, big bro juggling boxes of noodles.

Mom: OK, run back and get me six boxes of unbleached wheat germ and a can of tofu.

Dad: Goes to find the Twinkies while the brothers stage a coffee bean fight. Mmm, hazelnut.

Situation: Gas station. Little bro trying to figure out what condoms are, big bro playing with lighters.

Mom: HEY! We're leaving!

Dad: Tells Trojan Man joke and buys a lighter.

Really. Shopping is so much more fun with a guy who understands you. A guy who doesn't make you try on the underwear before you buy them. A guy who joins in on the ridicule of your little brother. A guy who wants you to eat nothing but pizza, hotdogs, A1 steak sauce, and ice cream for a week.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Huh, vinyl is extra twangy.

I have a subscription to Scientific American, and I finally got a new issue in the mail today (yay for free time to read a very wordy magazine about evolution and global warming). One of the articles was interesting.

It was about healthful effects of blogging. I had never thought much about healthful effects of blogging, but the stuff it said made a bunch of sense. Plus the pictures made it so I didn't have to read as much.

Let's see if I can find a link to the article...

Crap, no. Anyway, blogging cures AIDS, triggers dopamine release, boosts limbic system response.


Thursday, May 22, 2008

I floated lonely as the night!

Today, I was a stand-up comedian.

To me, there's no higher goal than humor. I mean, it's been around since Creation. If God can make asses talk, it can't be all that bad to be funny.

Now when I say funny, I mean funny. Not gimmick funny, more like things that can only be said once. Things like YOU JUST WANT THE BALL SO BAD. Things like MORE GAMES!

I don't like a lot of the crap that's on television these days. I hate all the poop jokes. I hate the sacrilege. I hate Family Guy. I'm not a big fan of the dudes they have on Comedy Central, read: Carlos Mencia and that fat dude that I saw on the TV in that greasy motel room.

I like jokes that make you think. I'm not talking jokes about politicians (even though that Bruce Tinsley guy is hecka funny). I'm talking jokes that are extensions of the universal human spirit (Jim Casy anyone?), jokes that reveal something basic, jokes that draw our attention towards ourselves. Make us see ourselves for what we really are, and really can be.

Jokes that make you smile.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Everyone else does it.

(Before we get started, these weird titles are starting to confuse even me.)

I think I've done well this year.

I certainly did better than last year. I was way happier. I worked a lot less and got way better results.

At the beginning of the year, there's always people who tell you to write down your goals. I always find that mine are strange. It's always keep up the good work. Never do something better. Never do something new. It's just survive. Not that it hasn't worked well for me. I can certainly say that I've gotten way more mileage than anybody has a right to out of goals like that.

I was at a party this afternoon. I was doing the usual, telling all my funniest stories about how I got emphysema from consuming enough cigarette smoke in one hour to be the equivalent of smoking two packs a day for the rest of my shortened life. Anyhow, there was a shim serving pizza, and we got to making fun of it. Somehow that led us to compare wallets. I was having fun with the fortune cookie slip "Confucius say: lovers in triangle not on square," and I found a folded up index card.

GOALS 2007-08

Finish reading Old Testament (not done, I just read Isaiah a million times)
Finish learning German (not enough time)
Do good in skool (one of those aforementioned null goals)
Get a 5 on the APUSH exam (I dunno what I got, but I think I did good)
Not go on strike (done!)
Build/buy a three-stage coil gun with integrated laser sight (nope)

That's what I wanted to accomplish in the last 10 months. That's a load of bilge.

I did get a lot more done than that. I lived a full life. I took risks. I didn't get eaten by a Chips Ahoy! cookie. I fixed my computers like a million times. I traveled the world. I told awesome jokes. I made new freinds. I still refuse to spell freinds properly though. I suffered through all sorts of weird weather. I mowed the lawn after sundown. I fished. I hunted. I walked. I walked loads. I smiled! even though my teeth need to be flossed.

Hm. I'll go floss my teeth then.

Hey, ten minutes at a time, kid.

Edit: Since it's quite fashionable this season, anonymous posting is now available here too!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

That breeze feels good; thank goodness for windows.

Check out this rock I found!

Today I had nothing to do. SO I cleaned my room. Then I skateboarded. Then I rode my bike. Then I went outside and walked around in a fieldish sort of area.

I started throwing large rocks into the pond from the top of a culvert. I was bored out of my skull and I wanted to go swimming, but I didn't want to go swimming enough to risk my life with the cottonmouths.

Well, I was throwing rocks into the pond (most of you chumps would call it a lake, but I knew this Lithuanian dude once and he would have called a pond, so it's a pond) in any case. In utter desperation, I sat down on the culvert hoping to see a neon knight or something else that could entertain me.

I started smushing ants with my thumb, and picking the ticks off of my arm. I looked down, and behold! there was a thing that could entertain me. I believe it's a chunk of variscite, but my mineral knowledge is a little rusty.

I need to go on a rock hunt soon. I might do that the next time I'm in the desert. Hopefully, I'll find the Ark of the Covenant.

By the way, I hate the image support in Blogger. It always resizes my images. I know how to hack around it, but then the images wouldn't fit. Sorry guys.

Friday, May 16, 2008

I liked it more when it was just Fridays.

I wrote a poem once about my favorite video game, Return to Castle Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory. It was OK. I wrote about hackers and cheaters and people who swear on clean-language servers.

I never really felt good about it. I don't have a lot of confidence in my writing abilities. Funny that it was the same year that I got selected to go to Alfred is a good shot with a crossbow to that fancy-pantsy writing contest. Nooo, Dracula, don't! Yes! I knew he'd have something up his sleeve!

Anyhow so I went to the contest and hated every minute of it. I hated all the darned waiting Yes Batman won! Crap, the Penguin is still around! I figure about the only good thing I got out of it was a Far Side desk calendar (I do love the cartoons) and this blog post.

If anyone's wondering what all the interjections are, I'm watching The Batman vs. Dracula on TB. Haha, tuberculosis. I mean television. It's one of my favorite shows.

Anyway what I'm wanting to say most is I've been at this a while, and I'm still sort of wondering how and where and when it'll pay out. Maybe I'll be a god of thunder in a rockroll band. Maybe I'll be an office jockey. Maybe I'll be an actor (I might actually be able to do that, I'll have to remember that). Maybe I'll be a sweaty obese guy behind a counter making Reuben sandwiches for even more obese and sweaty tourists in Boston.

I sure hope it's cool in the end.

I think I might go work on that first one. It's a lot of work I'm going to have to do to go from musical mortal to Thor or Odin or Loki or Twi. Preferably Thor. He's my namesake.

I claimed the title of King of Scotland the other day. Turns out all one needs to be king is big words and a claim to fame; turns out I have both. Turns out it's good to be king. I can't wait to go conquer somebody, and have my likeness used in lousy, noisy local-TV car dealership ads.

Monday, May 12, 2008

I think that's disgusting.

She took the cup. I can't believe she took the cup.

OK, so here's the lowdown. I'm rooting around in all the castoff junk from the graduates (hey, a dollar!), and I find a stainless steel coffee travel mug thing. Now, I don't drink coffee, but I kept it anyhow because I figured it would come in handy. One kid even challenged me to build a bomb with it.

So, I took it to homeroom and opened it with two of my close friends watching. It obviously hadn't been cleaned in several months. The outside of the lid had coffee residue all over it. The inside had what looked like pencil shavings floating in thinned-out maple syrup at the bottom, with some sort of pancake or mushroom or something stuck near the top.

Today I decided to give away some of my junk. I put two airline barf bags, two microwave popcorn thingies, a case of black-market cocoa, some other black-market food, the coffee cup, and a sign labeled "FREE STUFF" on top of my locker this morning.

By lunchtime it was all gone.

I tried to find out who took it (one person said she was going to take the cocoa if it was left at the end of the day, but someone else got it first; I found the still - full box on top of my locker later, apparently replaced by the one who took it; an hour later, and it was gone again. I wonder if that same girl did get it in the end), but to no avail.

At the end of the day, I walked into that one classroom. I saw the cup! She had taken it. I'm going to laugh at her secretly for the next two years or so.

If you can guess who it was that took the mug you win the contest.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I knew a kid named Fred who ate glue.

It's amazing how a little scribble next to a signature can brighten a guy's life for a few days.

It's amazing how putting that scribble in parentheses multiplies the effect tenfold.

It's amazing how moving my pick up against the strings instead of down makes the song I'm playing sound cheerier.

It's those little drops of rain. Except there's not really any pain to whisper about.

Kind of funny how I always thought the lyrics were different. It crushes my dreams. Knowing the truth changes everything.

I bet I just confused you. I bet you misunderstood that. Not your fault, it's only natural.

It reminds me of the time I said "mes cheveux... elles sont tres belles" to see if I could confuse people into thinking I was talking about the girl in the corner instead of my hair. It really should have been "mes cheveux... ils sont tres beaux."

Some things aren't meant to be said. "Things too silly to be said are sung," said Voltaire.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Wasted Years

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas,
I'm travelling on, far and wide,
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself,
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else.

I close my eyes, and think of home,
Another city goes by, in the night,
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up...make your stand,
And realize you're living in the golden years.

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind,
Can't ease this pain, so easily,
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day,
And it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up...make your stand,
And realize you're living in the golden years.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Journalism? Isn't that supposed to be for sissies? I watch too much Fox News.

Well, I accepted the invitation today.

For years Mom's been trying to get me to do the newspaper or yearbook. I guess it's because of all the underground papers I've tried to run. She thinks I'll be good at it.

So I always got a form and filled it out halfway before summarily forgetting it.

Today a friend asked if I would join, as they're going to lose a member. I figured "what the heck it won't hurt to write a sample, I've got enough time." So it looks like I'm going to fill out an application.

I figure all of my bloggerific experience should help some.

I feel bad for not applying to those jobs at TechRepublic and Hack_a_day.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Whee! German man two feet in front of me!

I was watching concert videos on YouTube to get some pointers on what I might want to do for the talent show next year, and I watched Still Loving You by Scorpions.

Right about four minutes into the song, there was a shot of some grandma with a stagefront ticket. You should have seen the way she nodded. In fact, you can.

Picture of grandma

YouTube video

Jahaa! v57

It's all good. I totally got away with wrecking the truck! I didn't have to pay for it, and I got a free shirt. Nobody's mad at me, and I still get to have an awesome party (as of now).

Thursday, May 1, 2008


I ran into the dumpster today. It sucks. I smashed the headlight on the right side. No fun. No idea whether insurance will pay for this (no matter what, rates will go up).

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sorry, guys.

Def Leppard.
'Nuff said.

You can never beat their style of hard-rocking, fun-having, one-armed-drumming, facemelting metal. Yes, they did have a one-armed drummer. And he is AWESOME. You oughta listen to him.

Gunter glieben glauchen globen!

Don't fall for this. If you do, however, please post a reply. It's for science.

Click here to visit the official Def Leppard site!

Monday, April 28, 2008

A Cartoon. Epic.

Yeah, I decided to post another one of my cartoons. I notice that my output isn't as prolific as it used to be, probably because The Original Adventures of Foo Mankoo the China Man, while popular, was destroyed in a freak accident. I was working on The New Adventures of Foo Mankoo the China Man and His Gang for like two years, and lots of people liked those, but it started to feel a bit like Hanna-Barbera with all my cartoons being just remixes of each other. Plus the notebook I was using to source The New Adventures is in such bad repair that I'd have to scan all the old bits of stuff and go digital, which wouldn't be such a bad thing. I might do that this summer.

I remember the one with Freiherr Kaiser and me in it. I don't think I ever gave that one a series title. It was pretty good, except I used the same ending for every strip. I was in a weird mood the whole time I was doing that comic. Thus I had a weird expression in every strip. I don't think I got the punch lines out in a way that most people would have thought was funny. All of the jokes in that series were aimed at cartoonists anyhow. And the multilingual thing certainly didn't make it any more accessible.

I might bring Freiherr back as a hero in a new series. I'll give it a name and all. I'll come up with a new villain, more dastardly by far than Lao Che. It would help if I could find some old Freiherr Kaiser originals first.

Bitterness is never a good thing to have in cartoons. I know that firsthand.

This reminds me of the "Heroes of Terrorism" worksheet / coloring page I tried selling to little kids a few years ago. It was a great idea, but it didn't catch on because little kids don't know the difference between Adolf Hitler, Benito Mussolini, and Fallout Boy. GOODNESS those guys are terrorismifying. ouagohaog. men do not wear makeup.

Anyway, here's a link to the comic. The chick isn't a real person, just a generic because I can't draw girls and I'd feel insulting to botch the picture of a real person or put words in a real person's mouth, and we all know that I never insult people. But she really is just a generic.

Sorry about the impossible handwriting and the nerd humor.

Hey, lookie there, I had a post title that actually made sense.

I was going to try something new and put a signature on the post, but I remembered that that would both compromise my anonymity and pose an ID-theft risk.

On da radio:
Girls on Film - Duran Duran

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Humans are people too.

Well, I'm having a party. A kick-butt HUGE party. The kind that's normally classified as a "kegger," except, seeing as how there won't be any liquor, then I think it'll just be a big party.

Right now I'm considering a guest list of approximately 100 persons (Woo sophomores!), and I'm sure half of them won't show up. That's fine. I don't like the people in that half anyhow. They're either jerks or losers or posers or I just plain don't know them. They aren't my real friends.

It'll be hard to get set up this fast for this many people. I'll need to make and distribute flyers. Or invitations, if you want to call them that. I'll need to by a buttload of soda (Jarritos!) and chips and stuff. I'll need to get out my chocolate fountain. I'll need to rent some Three Stooges DVDs and maybe get someone who owns Rock Band to come, but that tends to attract posers. Eww. I'll get out Twister and grill some hot dogs. I'll make sure nobody breaks their ankle like last time (we're going to have serious liability issues if it ever happens again).

I'll have to fine-tune the stereo, maybe.

I'll need to buy and/or make some real decorations (I'm not spray-painting a bamboo pole silver again, it's not Festivus).

I've already got some good dates down, in May. I want to make it a night (Friday!) that everyone can come, but I don't want to have it so close to exams that people will study instead.

I dunno, I think it might work. I'm not going to postpone it 6 times like that one party. I'm not going to wait until the week of to tell people, like that other party.

Cross your fingers!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I used to have a yellow bike.

I have a tube of yellow paint on my desk. I used it to paint a wooden short bus I made.


I drive around the county before sunrise every morning (Radar Love!). It's pretty fun. But as it approaches sunrise, and the morning DJ's get on the air, skool buses come out to eat their prey. They crawl around the curves of the country roads, searching out their breakfast.

When they find a child they want to digest (about every 25 yards, if that), they flash all sorts of warnings and stop. A guard steps out and wands the child, who is wearing a white shirt reaching to his ankles. You know, makes sure the kid isn't carrying a stolen gun to tear up the insides of the bus with.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

You done a great "jorb" out there, RT

I almost got a job at the Apple Store yesterday, believe it or not.

We went there after lunch to get the little rubber sleeves for everyone's iPods. Naturally, I didn't have anything to do but stand around in my ripped jeans, red canvas belt, stained undershirt, plaid Vans, and unbuttoned flannel spelunking shirt (the point here is to demonstrate how much my "reformed grunge" style clashes with the sleek metrosexual look pushed by Apple) and make fun of the employees and customers. They actually used to call me "Mr. PC" there, but they got a whole bunch of new employees who don't know me.

Anyhow, Dad ended up getting sidetracked looking at a MacBook Air. Naturally, I had to explain the difference between a hard disk (I wish everyone would stop calling them hard drives!) and the new solid-state drives. He walked around to the back of the table and saw the Time Machine that Apple's selling now. What it basically is is a WiFi access point combined with a network-attached storage device. Point of note - don't buy an Apple AirPort Extreme. They suck. Go with a Linksys WRT45G.

So the employee comes over (one good thing about those stores is that they really do have good service) and tries to explain to Dad what it is. Dad says "Oh, it's like a server." Well, not as far as I can tell. It's just an NAS, an AP, a router, and a gateway in one box. That's too much to explain though. I'd have to tell him how the entire Internet works and wash away quite a few preconceived notions at the same time. But the worst was when the sales dude (man was he tall) said that a terabyte was 100 gigabytes. Oh, no. I corrected him. It's 1024 gigabytes, even though some manufacturers would say 1000 to boost their stats. Immediately I was asked if I wanted a job.

Too bad I thought they were joking. I would have fun teaching know-nothings about how stuff works.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I'm flavor-blasted! Get it?

I just took a trip to California for my spring break. Fun stuff.

The thing is, it was snowing at my home city (Southeastern United States) on the day I left. Now, I have yet to check my reliable sources, but I'm darn sure the stuff had melted before nine the following morning. It wasn't real thick, and there wasn't a whole ton of it, but it WAS very wet. Very wet.

Being at the airport at dusk in the snow felt so much like Shadow Moses that I couldn't help playing "Discovery" by KCE Japan Sound Team on my iPod. Yes, I DO have that on my iPod. In fact, to heck with Pandora and The Beatles, I'm going to play the whole album right now on iTunes.

'Nuff with the accidental endorsements.

So, it was like being at Shadow Moses. I took some pictures. I think I deleted them. What with the black and white, the blur, and the snow, most of them were too surreal even for me. I kept a few really neat ones though. You might ask me to show them to you.

Speaking of such, I beat Metal Gear REX on the plane. I seem to get a lot of boss fights done on planes.

So we got to my relatives really late. Woohoo.

Next day I woke up and went shooting in the desert. I took some more really good pictures. I shot a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum revolver (fun stuff!!!), a Mini-14 (fun stuff!!!), a .22 with a scope on it (fun stuff!), a homemade musket (fun stuff!!), and of course, a WWII-era M1911 (fun stuff!!!!).

Turns out my grandparents have an original Magnavox Odyssey2. If you don't know, that's one of the oldest console gaming systems there is, and as far as I know, extremely rare. I took it apart and took some more pictures.

I think all I have to do now is build an adapter so I can use it with a modern TV. Stupid non-standard RF fitting >P.

We went and ate Korean food one night. That was good. I think that was the same day as when we went to the Office in Long Beach. If you're in my family, you understand what the Office in Long Beach is. Otherwise, tough peanuts.

I went to the beach a good two or three times. I got a new swimsuit just so I could. It has a few wide blue and white stripes, like what people wore a hundred years ago.

I went on a campus tour of CalTech in Pasadena. Man, they are NERDY there. They get bonus points for that. They also have a basketball team that's almost as bad as the Phillies (yeah, different sports, but for the record the Phillies are the losingest team in the history of ALL sports). More bonus points. It seems that they also have a big thing for elaborate pranks. Mondo bonus points. I got a hat that says JPL, a t-shirt that's prank-related, and a t-shirt with a diagram of a caffeine molecule on it. Not that I drink coffee. I just like chemistry.

We ate at Tommy's. It's better than Wienerschnitzel. Wienerschnitzel doesn't even sell schnitzel. Tommy's is awesome.

We ate at In N Out. That's also pretty sweet. They have good service. I can speak regular, polite English to get a meal. J'accuse, McDonald's.

I went to Fry's. Now that is an AWESOME store. They have a whole aisle of floppy disks! Clearly a place for me.

Let's see. I'm pretty sure I covered all the meaty stuff, but I think I missed something. All the news that's fit to type, you know.

Anyhow. On the plane back I finally got Plan 9 from Bell Labs to boot properly. I even got Rio to run. Only took a whole battery's worth of power.

I also read some French stuff. L'Equipe, their version of Sports Illustrated, Mieux Vivre/Votre Argent, and a catalog from Faconnable.

Hm. I still can't shake that feeling. I know I left some stuff out intentionally.

Hey, if you ask, I'll show you the 390 pictures I took. You might enjoy that.

Monday, March 3, 2008

We've done this before.

Blogging is hard work. First you have to think of a topic to post about. Then you have to go to the effort to put out a good post. Then you have to actually post it. Then you have to show it off. Then you have to feel guilty because it's not your best work.

This isn't my best work.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Dokken is an OK band.

Hm. Today I guess I had fun. Doing what, Heaven knows. But still, I feel that I must have accomplished something today. I think I slept through homeroom. I know I pwn'd in French. I know my eyes are watering now. Darn, I'm tired.

I didn't have to go to my sister's class play (I actually DID want to go, imagine that) because I had to do my AP US History homework. So I spent several hours with Microsoft Word and Wikipedia learning about the Hawley-Smoot Act (yeah, funny name, but apparently it was referenced in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I guess I don't remember it because I was too busy laughing at the analogous scene in WarGames. Good times.), which was apparently greatly responsible for the Depression. That reflects badly on my home sate of Utah, which I believe was the home state of Smoot (Senator, R). Now I could care less about Oregon, the home state of Hawley (Representative, I thinks he's an R too). I mean, who needs Oregon? It's a flippin' British colony, for goodness sake. It sounds like some sort of herb. Maybe it's oregano, which sounds similar. Maybe it's pot, which I hear gets a lot of mileage on the West Coast. Oregon. I'm going to go try to write a song about Oregon now.

Why is this making me think of teeth? I don't think of teeth a lot. I was reading an old NatGeo (not for the naked people, I don't think there even were any in the issue I was reading. Somewhere in the first half of 1964.) and I saw a Yemeni whitewasher with terrible teeth.

Let's come full circle.

Schlotzsky's Deli. Funny name, serious sandwich. We have pizza too, wethinks. Er, wethunk. What's wrong here?

Hawley-Smoot. Funny name, serious legislation. It'll make your home state seem like a drug, but at least you don't need to brush your teeth after you read it.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I love these things. They're pretty accurate, if you answer honestly.

OS quiz:

Last time I was TRS-DOS. Looks like things have changed a bit.

File type:

Not too happy with this one. I was an .exe last time.

White and Nerdy quiz:

Wow, I was in the 90's last time. I wonder how I got so "normal" all of a sudden.

Programming Language quiz:

That's true. Odd, though, that I've never even seen a chunk of Prolog source.

Website quiz:

Not true. I think I was Amazon last time.

Nerd quiz:

What else?

Nerd quiz: says I'm a Mega-Dorky Nerd God.  What are you?  Click here!

Yup. I was never much of a sci-fi type.

Stupid test: says I'm 0% Stupid! How stupid are you? Click Here!

Sweet! 0% stupid!

Computer Geek quiz:

My computer geek score is greater than 100% of all people in the world! How do you compare? Click here to find out!

No surprises there. For real, man.

Zombie Survival quiz:

The Zombie Survival Test -- Create and Take a Fun Test @'s User Tests!

I think it took off points for my preference of an assault rifle to a shotgun. These jokers apparently haven't seen how good I am with an assault rifle. Accuracy where it counts, firepower when it matters.

Trekkie quiz:

The Trekkie Test -- Create and Take a Fun Test @'s User Tests!

Sweet. Honestly, I thought I'd do worse. I love Star Trek, but I can't watch it as much as I like because I can't afford the DVDs and it's not on TV anywhere near as often as it used to be.

Money Lover quiz:

71st percentile. I love money, but even I have scruples.

Hmm. That seems to be it. I thought there were more somewhere. If I find them I'll let you know.

Monday, February 25, 2008


Yeah, so teech sez we've gots to write a poem in da style of Whitman or Dickinson. So I sez...
Yeah, keep on talking, kiddo. You're just another brick in the wall. You're gonna go home and get beat within an inch of your life by your fat psychotic wife...

Actually, no. His wife isn't fat or psychotic (as far as I know.) And he is a nice guy. He likes the Red Sox! What can be so bad about a guy who likes the Red Sox?

Well, here's my poem in the style of Whitman.


Rolling near and climbing far,
Surmounting seas and dwarfing deserts,
Touching the sky mountains tower over us all.

Standing solid, firm, and insurmountable
They become beacons of strength.

Stones build into a hill,
The hill builds into a ridge,
The ridge becomes a mountain.

On and on the mountains stretch,
Fractal beauty unencumbered by scale.

The solemn giants sleep,
Content to be capped by snow;
They yield to cloud and wind.

Storm, quake and time combine;
They are the only forces that can yoke the beasts.

Saturday, February 23, 2008


I've been out of commission with a cold the last few days. Pretty much I missed two tests, lots of fun, and some lunch. But I got to play XBox, watch TV, surf the Net, and eat cookie dough all day! With permission! Only problem is I'm tired as anything and my throat hurts. And I have to make up a ton of skoolwork.

Maybe if I updated my AVG more often I wouldn't get sick.

(I replaced my guitar strings.)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Catch my drift?

This also inaugurates the first comic in my Comic Blog. I told you I'd post something eventually!
Yeah, the first comic is just a computerized version of this. With really bad color.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


I'm beginning to run out of subjects. If you have anything that can be photographed, please tell me.

Sorry about the cruddy quality - it's the Internet. Go find my Flickr if you want better versions. I was thinking about having another contest, but I forgot what it was going to be. I'll tell you when I remember.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Yeah, I just got back from spending a week in Washington participating in a national security simulation exercise. I played the role of President of the United States!

Pretty much I solved a simulation of possible crises in the Congo arising due to Chinese influence and the regular African war-lording that goes on around there. Plus I got to meet Marsha Blackburn, my Representative. Her intern gave me a personal tour of the tunnels under the House offices and the tunnels under the Capitol, not to mention the Capitol itself.

It was raining when I did that (Tuesday) and I walked around in front of the Capitol for a half-hour or so afterwards. I stood in the sleet on the Grant memorial, looking over the pool at the Washington Monument. It was very touching, contemplating the blood debt created simply to keep the Union whole.

The next day I went to the Lockheed-Martin Fighter Demonstration Center. That's basically their showroom to sell all their fancy new jets to the military. It was SO fancy. They had big touchscreen displays everywhere, along with all the regular trade show exhibit stuff. But that's not really anything. They had simulators of the F-22 and F-35 fighters. If you didn't already know, that was FREAKIN SWEET. AND I got to pilot both of them! That F-35 is totally going to put the United States lightyears ahead of everyone else. The F-22, the current fighter, is pretty kick-tail, but it really is nothing compared to the F-35. In the F-35, when you want to shoot someone down, all you have to do is tap on the touch screen where their blip is. The plane does the rest. Same to bomb runways and whatnot. It's so hardcore. I want one of those for Christmas.

I ate lunch at an Indian place in Chinatown with a buddy of mine, then we went to Starbucks and made ourselves conspicuous by reading The Onion in plain view.

Then I went to the Spy Museum, which quite honestly didn't meet expectations. I did like the tile floor in that one room with the TV and all the James Bond memorabilia though.

I went to the Lincoln Memorial, Korean War memorial, and Vietnam War Memorial. It's pretty hard on some guys. My VP broke down and cried. I'm glad we can remember the sacrifices of over 100,000 men who died in two wars that were lost because of politics.

Ate lunch at Union Station that day. I found a cheap sushi place in the basement and had a platter of sashimi and cucumber rolls for eight bucks, with Haagen-Dazs for dessert.

I went to Arlington National Cemetery. I think I made some people mad because I openly questioned why RFK was buried there if he was never a President, or, to my knowledge, an active member of the Armed Forces. Correct me if I'm wrong.

I enjoyed the changing of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknowns. It's good that we care so much about those who gave life, limb, and name to save liberty.

I went to the Air and Space Museum with another buddy. It's neat to see all the stuff that went into putting a man on the Moon. It makes me want to be an astronaut; one of the only true explorers left, one of the greatest adventurers in the history of mankind.

We tried to go to the Archives, but there was a school group that stretched around the block, so we decided to go to the Arts and Industries museum instead. But it was closed, so we went to the National Museum of African Art. I was enlightened by the experience.

I also went to the FDR memorial. Not the best thing in the world. Not my favorite president in the world. Then I went to the Thomas Jefferson memorial, and after appreciating the great man's words of defiance, pretended to read a Korean newspaper.

I spent like 6 or 7 hours at Ronald Reagan National Airport today acting natural, reading The Appeal by John Grisham, and eating a churro. Goodness, I love those things. Eventually, I was tired of sitting around in Terminal C so I walked the four miles to the observation deck in between Terminal A and C. I read for twenty minutes or so as I watched the sun set, in all the Art-Deco glory of the observation deck. Completed 1940, you know. Then I hiked the 3.2 mile leg to the Terminal A bag-check/ticket counter place and got my boarding pass. Yay, First Class. I really wouldn't mind, though, if they shoved me under the seat or in one of the bins for the whole flight. It's just that I like peanuts and they give out peanuts in First Class.

Yeah, it's like 2100 local time and I'm a little tired.

I can't wait for skool Tuesday. I only told like one person that I was going out of town so I bet there's tons of people who are way off track with why I was gone the whole time.

Eat your heart out, Mrs. Davis. I don't need a chaperon.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I just made up a new slang word! Can you find it? First to tell me what it means wins!

The other day I was joking with a friend that I oughta buy a t-shirt that says: "I hate your favorite band(s)!"

Now don't take that literally, or as an insult, because I'm listening to Gwen Stefani right now and I know plenty of people like her. It's just that if somebody has studied musicology (I doubt that's the proper term, let's call it music relations) as in-depth as I have (and I know it's not really all that deep, what I've done, but still), they would tend to wonder why people listen to some kinds of music and why some bands claim to belong to a certain genre.

Take, for example, Guns N' Roses. I used to like them. I don't anymore, except for pretty much one song, Mr. Brownstone. Maybe Live and Let Die. I figure it's because of the fact that they get way overplayed. I mean, Sweet Child of Mine did have a pretty neat riff in it, but that doesn't warrant the Fanjungismus it gets.

Then there's the bands that have 100 songs that sound exactly the same. Notably, you have Linkin Park, along with Nickelback and a bunch of other bands. Pretty much most modern bands.

Then we have the awesomest/poserest bands that only know one chord - the Power Chord. Totally 1337 to the xtreem, these bands know how to make more noise than any other, using only that one chord. I'm thinking bands like Green Day, Fallout Boy, &c. that claim to be heirs to the Punk Movement of 1976. Fools, the Clash said that you have to know THREE chords to be a punk band.

Maybe it's just that none of these bands have a keyboardist or an organist. Maybe it's because the lyrics are all crap.

I wish Smash Mouth was still around. Where's the Baha Men when you need them? Why doesn't The Fall get any airtime outside of Janet's Planet? Why did Van Halen have to get that Hagar moron? Why did Scorpions come out with a new, mediocre album? Why do people like Tom Morello so much more than Tom Verlaine? Why do people laugh at Rick Astley? Why do I find Dinosaur Jr. so disappointing?

I just hope I have a Smashing Time when my cousin comes down to London for a week.